Saturday, September 02, 2006
♥
-10:34 PM i have a lot to say! fine i am not really so excited. anyway we had the cf ex-student gathering today and i guess it was quite...screwed? i admitted i was quite bored too even though i was walking arnd cos no one is interacting! needless say those others. many ppl left before it ended and it ended before time. anyway i was damn pissed by SHANCHIN! i feel like smacking him man. but nvm he is quite nice lah i must say (: except he mocked at me because i had to sell tickets. then i saw daniel. as usual he made fun of me. clara say she wanted to smack his head. how i wished she did! but luckily he left early (: but before he left, he still made fun of me. its quite glad to know that i wont see him until new year (: or maybe i wont see him during new yr too ((: oh btw ah i passed yiyin her tickets and i heard from dunno who she is happy abt that? she said i diao her on thurs WHEN I DIDNT. i am so scared of her can! then xinying made me wave to her which made her quite happy i guessed.
anyway nth much happen except it was quite screwed i guessed. twinnie cried. i guess she was troubled over that again. sigh! OH. i was forced to smile to shanchin cos he said i looked fierce when i took the paper from him so i did a curtsey and say thankyou to him can! for whatever reason i was very polite and i think his huaping friend was very amused. BLEAH! i was forced to. and what made me most awkward was... i saw him. as in its not abt seeing him. cos i see him often but he told me to talk to him and i didnt. well i guessed he cld sense i was quite busy cos i was walking here and there. but he kept staring. do i look weird?
then i saw kaisheng. HE SLIMED DOWN CAN! haha i think i am so clever cos i cld recognize him when clara his classmate cld not (: ohoh! sth happen btw winny and the s (: HAHA! its so super funny. no one expected him to be so ZIDONG. i took a picture of it. too bad my screwed phone cannot send it to winny. but i took one with winny phone and it was quite blur. oh then i left before the whole thing ended. i feel sorry and guilty ):
me and sandy wanted to go buy sweet but the loser shop was closed so we didnt manage to buy ): then that whole gang was sitting outside and he was staring again. as in not stare but i cld see his eyes looking over at times. dont ask me why i cld see cos it so happen that i look there he looked back. then sandy said she had to go toilet so we went in sch and i waited for her at the gate. then shanchin came to mock at me again! he said i was lonely. i am so not okay! i am being nice to wait for others. so sandy came back from toilet and we together with huiying went outside to sit again. as usual he is there. somewhat i feel weird when i see him. ohwells.
then kexin went home and eunice went with us to northpoint. then we walked and walked randomly cos eunice wanted to buy her cap but apparently the nice one was dirty so she didnt manage to buy. we went to buy bubble tea and i scare euniceching! haha i feel so accomplished okay (: the chocolate snowshake had tea taste so me and twinnie decided to dump it. then we just walk and walk until twinnie and huiying left. me and eunice then went to longjohns to eat. we shared a meal (: and bought this potato thing which tasted quite nice (: so we sat there for like 1 hr? eunice was telling me abt erhem...and this was our main topic for the day.
oh we saw songrong and friends and longjohn. i did a face at him. i guessed that was quite mean x) haha. i just felt like it. then i felt bad cos he is quite nice to me lah so i turned back again then he asked me why i did that, then i did it again and said i felt like it. i dunno why too. haha! but i know he wont get angry ((: eh but i said bye to him when i left okay! i am afterall not quite mean. then me and eunice went to macs to eat icecream. again we talk and talk. its quite amusing i cld talk to her abt such stuffs too. i was trying to persuade her not to be so mean and i hope she listens to me (:
then i went home alone.. thats the most saddening thing you can ever imagine. actually i think i am becoming more and more terrible cos apparently when people are around me, i thought of it too. i hope it doesn't overwhelmed and kill me someday. its really taking over everything in my mind. its like, even when i was walking abt with sandy huiying and eunice in np, i was thinking abt it too. i thought abt what twinnie told me when we were alone outside, i thought abt the dream last night, i thought abt the smses, i thought abt the past. twinnie told me i shld not feel guilty and sad towards this, but somewhat, i cant. i still feel guilty, even aft what twinnie said. i wished what she said was true, so i wont feel guilty, but somewhat i hoped its not true, cos..i dunno? twinnie said that was not sth i shld feel sad and guilty abt, but its the other one that i shld.
i rly dunno. its like, i still think abt the dream. its rly weird why it was you i dreamt of and not the other one. maybe because i was thinking abt you before i slept, because i saw you the day before and it brought back so many stuff, because twinnie told me abt what she felt abt you. i rly hoped what twinnie told me is not true, because i dont wish to have my view of you changed. somewhat i dont wish to think you are like this, though i once suspected. and when i suspect you, i feel bad again. if only you had not appear, and leave such a huge impact in my life.. i recalled the letter. even though it was a dream, i forced myself to slp just hoping to see what is in the letter, and the things in the letter was so sweet, yet it sound so unreal. well..wake up sheena cos its just a dream.. i guessed i am quite numb to this alrd cos i cld feel the misery and pain but the tears just wont flow. they refuse to get out, and i feel so stuffed up, if only i was like twinnie, life would have been better. i guess..its time to wake up.
the music is playing..the lyrics sing 'i never had a dream come true'..why this song i dunno too. somewhat i dont like this song. cos that night..it was this song playing. i thought abt twinnie words again. its you..you i shld feel sad, regret and guilty. ur impact had been a huge one. u were the one that made me shut the door, that made me hold on to sth for so long. ur appearance had changed everything. its like even if i didnt see you, only hearing them say, i cld feel the misery too. i wld think of that night. i feel liek the stupiest dumbest person on earth. and whats worse, i know u shld hate me. but the relationship between us now is so not right. i rather we nv talk again, but then, u r the only one who can understand me and make me smile. among all, u r stil the one. sometimes i ask myself, what do i really feel for you now.. and i cld never give myself an ans. whenever i thought of just as friends, they callin out ur name in front of me wld make me think of the past. i rly wish to tell u this, 'talk to me no more'. but i cant imagine the life without you cos if that day come, i wld never see the smile at night on me. cos u r the only one who wld stay with me till night, to allow me to confide, to make me feel i am not alone. but i know, u r no longer mine, and that is sth i wish i nv had to accept..
i feel so numb by the two of you when another one came. in fact on thur i saw you. but it was only a while, so it didnt affect me much, except made me feel kind of..weird. and today, its today, all about today. i suddenly feel so bad towards you. cos when u tried to talk o me, i run away, cos when u look at me, i turn away. and when i look again, when i want to talk again, you were not there. what has happen since then. its a diff story from p1 to now. sometimes i wonder if ur cheating me, but i just let myself get cheated. you are a story i hid deep down since p1, no one knew abt it, until today when i met you again. the story of p1 came back..its since p1. occasionally at night you appear, but dissappear so quickly again. you are just like a bubble, before i cld grab, you are gone. i so wish to tell twinnie abt you, but i am afraid..because its been so long, i know it wld bring so many things back i am scared i will just breakdown. even though i never mention abt you, but u r the one that made me feel most guilty towards. more than any of the two of them, cos u r the longest, and i can never make out what is the feeling i am feeling at the moment when i see you. somewhat, you are like a diary to me, because when i see you, i see my life seven years ago. i see the me seven years ago. because you are the only one i kept deep down, no one knew abt you, not even twinnie. i cld tell no one abt you, but feel it myself. and because its so long, its so hard and miserable to keep it to myself alone, but who can i tell.. twinnie is tired enough i know. why do both of us have to land up like this?
is this gathering supposed to be a entrance to the world of sadness, because the whole world seems to shut when we see each other. i thought of what angeline say.. i saw what winny typed. how much do i feel towards you..what do i feel towards you? like angeline says, many things are just but dreams, and the hardest thing is to wake up from it, esp when i am so tired by this now.
I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON! I AM THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH! and now.. i feel so numb..so numb.. someone pls wake me up..twinnie where are u when i need you most...
DANCER
Girlfriend
Girlfriend